My life is a bit crazy right now, in fact you could say I’m having a bit of a breakdown… I’m ok with it though. No really, I think a little crazy can really be transformative once in a while, so I’m looking at this little stage as more of an epiphany… Well I am at this moment anyway, this moment when my toddler is playing quietly and contentedly by my side and my four month old is sleeping peacefully on the other side of me. At 4am tomorrow it may well have reverted back to a breakdown, but for now it’s transformative…
I won’t bore you with the details of the various things in my life that have led to this wonderful state of enlightenment (do you see what I did there?) J Mostly it’s severe (no, I’m not being melodramatic) sleep deprivation making otherwise fairly normal crises utterly unmanageable and blown out of all proportion. Add in the pain of grief from the sudden death of a dear friend and you have a recipe for a pretty potent dark night of the soul.
But I’ve been here before in a few different guises. It’s a little different now with two children. Motherhood is a sticky, tricky business and I’m so grateful for the opportunities it brings to really sort my shit out… sorry to be so blunt, these times are not for beating around the bush.
I live a very simple life. Compared to most people I know, I live a very slow, un-busy and simple life, but there is undoubtedly a need for an even further level of simplification signalled by the imminent demise of my mental and emotional faculties.
It may not sound like my world is crumbling from my jovial tone. Sometimes you couldn’t even tell from the state of my house (only some days mind you) and that’s because, this time, there is a chink of light shining through, a small watery glimmer of hope that, over the last few days, has brightened into something that I can only describe as magic at work.
Amidst all the external craziness there is a core of stillness, almost peace, that I been able to sporadically connect with. It reassures me that all the work I have done over the years to sort out my proverbial poop really has been worth it.
I can deal with this without being sucked into the void, as has been true of similar experiences in my past. Better than that, with my sleep deprived and addled mind, I may even have been gifted with enough detachment to actually chart my process, so that’s what I’m aiming to do with this series of posts.
Over the next 21 days or so (that’s just the number that comes to mind as I write) I’m going to take myself, and anyone else who wants to come along for the ride, on a journey to a simpler and more joyful motherhood.
I will write from inspiration the simple steps I take, to break the cracks in my life wide open to let in more light and space and make the everyday more momentous. I use the term momentous deliberately, not because I want to live a grand life, but because I recognise that life, with all its ‘shams drudgery and broken dreams’ doesn’t get much better than this. Life is stitched together of brief moments and if these simply fly by unnoticed, hurried through, or wished away because they are too painful to bear, then life becomes a transient and unremarkable thing and that is not the legacy I want to leave for my children.
Who knows if I’ll have time or energy to write at all, let alone daily or coherently about this magical mystery tour, but I’ll do my best.
There are already some very simple steps unfolding as I write this and I hope I will find a way to present them in a way that not only supports myself in the process but may shed a little light for anyone else out there in the dark too.